Love Letters From Within: Boundaries, Trauma, & Healing (Re-Run)

Amanda Paolicelli: 00:00:06

What's up, radiant icons, and welcome back to

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Dare To Be Iconic, the podcast made

for icons daring to be themselves.

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I'm your host, Amanda Paolicelli, and for

today's Tea Time Sesh, we are listening

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back to one of my most vulnerable Tea

Time Seshes yet, Love Letters From

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Within: Boundaries, Trauma, and Healing.

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I wanted to specifically play back

this episode this week, because

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this week in particular is always

a very emotional week for myself.

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There's a lot of trauma, um, built in

around certain dates within this week.

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And it's always hard

for me to sort through.

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And I remember when I was recording

this Tea Time Sesh, after the weeks

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of procrastinating, which is very

unlike me, but I, I procrastinated a

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lot and put off that, that specific

recording because I didn't want

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to deal with that specific trauma.

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And this episode challenged me in

figuring out my boundaries, specifically

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when it came to what I want to share

and what I don't want to share.

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I do believe that this episode

pushed me in ways that I

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never thought were possible.

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And it was also the fuel for me

to go forward in this new chapter

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for the Dare to Be Iconic podcast,

which was having those honest, real,

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raw, and challenging conversations.

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And even though this episode doesn't

go into depth with the specific

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situation I am alluding to, it gave

me the courage to start talking about

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it and to finally face that head on,

which for: 2025

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is to deal with this specific trauma

and this episode was the gateway to

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finally coming to that realization.

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So, I hope you enjoy one of my most

vulnerable tea time sessions yet.

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All right, Radiant Icons, are you ready?

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Because your tea time

sesh is starting now.

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I've had to stop and re record this

episode probably about a hundred

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times by now, because it makes me so

nervous talking about this specific

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subject, but I know that I'm not the

only one dealing with it, and I know I

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actually need to deal with it, because

I like avoiding this subject, because

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it's easier for me to pretend that

none of this shit has happened to me.

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And it's, it's so easy for me to live in

this delusion of no, everything is fine.

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When in all reality, no, it's

not fine, and it's not okay.

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And I need to deal with it.

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And I know, I know for a fact I am

not the only one that, that deals with

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their trauma in this way of avoidance.

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And I know it's gonna

bite me in the booty.

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But I need to talk about it.

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So, let's get into it.

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Trauma is such a hard thing to understand.

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And I honestly feel like it

will never make sense to me.

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And there's so many layers to it, right?

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Like, there's anger, there's guilt,

there's blame, there's shame,

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there's frustration, there, there's

everything interlaced into it.

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And even more than the emotions that

I, I named because you truly don't

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know the emotions that will pop

up until you're in that aftermath

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situation of that healing process.

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And I think the biggest reason as to

why I like to avoid talking about trauma

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specifically is because I feel like I

failed myself in the healing process.

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And I know I know, I know, I know.

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I have said, healing is not linear.

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Healing is like a rollercoaster.

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I know I said that in

episode three of season one.

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I know, I know, I know.

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And it's true, like healing is a

rollercoaster, but it doesn't negate

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the feelings of me feeling like I

failed because I have a couple of

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bad days when I'm in this healing

process of dealing with my trauma

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for like seven years at this point.

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Like, let's be so for real right now.

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Like, I didn't realize that two

months of my life would leave

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me with a lifetime of trauma.

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And in this case, it's been seven years.

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And I still don't deal with it.

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And when October comes around, because

it always comes around, I'm like,

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oh, I'm gonna be fine this month.

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It's gonna be fine.

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Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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I'm lying to myself.

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I am lying to myself.

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And I don't know if that's

some type of defense mechanism

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of, Oh, it's going to be okay.

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You're going to get through it.

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Cause I know I'll get through it.

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I know I get through the tough shit,

clearly, but doesn't make it easier.

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And I want to have this conversation

with you guys, because I know I'm

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not the only one that does this.

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I know it.

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And I know that When we're in this

aftermath of really figuring out

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what the hell are we going to do

with the shit that has just happened

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to us, it's really, really scary.

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And sometimes you just don't

know how to pick up the pieces.

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But you have to.

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And I think when it comes specifically

to trauma, not only is it It's a very

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personalized experience, and I'm saying

that with so much disgust because I

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hate that we all have to deal with this,

but it's so individualized because the

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way that I will process and heal from

my trauma will be different than how

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someone else processes and deals with

their trauma because we're all different.

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We're all uniquely iconic in our own way,

and that's great, but that also means that

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there's not a guidebook on how to deal

with the hard shit that we're put through.

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The best way I can approach this

episode is sharing what has worked

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for me, and what hasn't worked for me.

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And I'm not going to be trauma

dumping because no one wants that.

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And frankly, I don't know

if I can handle that.

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But also, trauma is your

story to tell, and you don't

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have to share it with anyone.

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And I think I've been very

firm on that boundary.

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Boundaries are a big one with trauma.

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So let's just start with that one, right?

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So, like my therapist had told me,

Trauma is your story to tell, and you

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don't have to share it with anyone.

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There are some traumatic

experiences that I am very firm

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with I am not sharing them at all.

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Like it doesn't matter if

backstory of why I feel or react

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a certain way to certain things.

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Like, It doesn't matter.

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I don't feel comfortable sharing

it because that is my trauma and

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I don't want to share it with you.

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And you have every right to deny

someone of that, like, access to you.

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And I think that's the hardest thing that

I've had to deal with personally, because

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I am such an oversharer as we all know.

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Um, but like, also it's hard for

me to find the private stuff and

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then the public stuff to share.

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And I know the core of Dare To Be Iconic

is I spilled the tea about my life, but

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there are some things that I just don't

want to spill the tea about because they

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are- because I don't want to actually,

because I don't want to see right there.

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That's me setting a boundary

and being very firm in it.

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And that's hard for me.

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Setting boundaries is always like this.

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Oh, like it's like this hard concept

because it's like, you don't.

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At least in my case, like I don't want to

hurt anyone's feelings, but also I need

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to know that I don't owe anyone anything.

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I truly don't.

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If I don't want to talk about a

certain situation or scenario that

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has happened to me, I don't need to

talk about it if I don't want to.

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And I want to tell you that that's okay.

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You don't have to tell anyone

anything that you don't want to,

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especially when it comes to trauma.

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I think the biggest thing with healing and

processing trauma is setting boundaries

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and boundaries are so hard to set because

sometimes you don't even know where to

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start and it's all about like Testing it

out and seeing what works and what doesn't

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work and having that like self awareness

of "oh I need to set a boundary here.",

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Because I need to protect my personal

and mental sanity at this moment.

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But it's like, how do you

start setting those boundaries?

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And there's no, there's no

guidebook to that, you guys.

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As many times as I remember asking my

therapist, so how do I set boundaries?

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How do I do it?

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And her answer always is,

You just figure it out.

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It's this ever continuing process,

and I'm like, well, that's not helpful

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right now as I'm crying my eyes out.

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Like, but she's right.

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She's always right.

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You, you need to just figure

it out every experience that we

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deal with is individualistic.

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And it's like, there are different

boundaries for certain things.

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I'm going to tell you, it's not easy.

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I don't have a Step by step guide

to it because I don't even know

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where to begin half the time.

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It's really just figuring it out.

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And sometimes I fail and we all know

how I feel about failing, but like, you

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know, I fail and I figure out, okay,

that boundary is not what I needed.

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Maybe I tried this instead.

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You know, it's all about just figuring

it out and feeling out the situation.

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And as time goes on, you'll get

better at setting the boundaries

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because you'll know what you want.

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And I think it goes down even

deeper into figuring out who

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you are and what you need.

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I think it's really cool that this thing

of setting boundaries allows us to look

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deeper within ourselves and really,

truly ask ourselves, what do we want?

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Who are we?

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And how can I deal with it in

a way that is right for me?

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And it lets you get down to those nitty

gritty answers that maybe we're avoiding.

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And when I say we, I definitely know I am.

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I definitely, definitely know

I am avoiding a lot of shit.

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And maybe if I asked myself those

questions of what do I want?

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Who do I want to share it with, if anyone?

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And what is gonna make me

feel good and comfortable?

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How is this going to allow me, in my

own unique way , process the shit that

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I've been dealing with for seven years?

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I don't know, but like, maybe I

need to start figuring that out.

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I know I need to.

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But like, I think that's really cool that

boundaries allow you to do that, you know?

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And another thing with boundaries, right?

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Going into the second step of how I've

somewhat dealt and healed somewhat.

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Um, is writing a roadmap to me.

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And again, no shocker here.

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It's suggested by my therapist,

everyone, honestly, she's working

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over time, like this is great.

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Um, but anyway, a roadmap to you is

this individualized roadmap to you and

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your triggers and how you experience

them and what's the root of it.

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And I think when I first heard of

this concept of the roadmap to me.

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I was like, what the hell

are you talking about?

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I don't need to write shit down.

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I don't need a log In my little journal

all the traumatic responses that

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I'm having from everything I don't

need to write down all my triggers.

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Well, I was wrong obviously.

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Um, because Writing down all my triggers,

so all my responses, right, to things

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that were happening that was very

out of character for me allowed me to

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truly, truly look within and it really

puts in perspective how much trauma

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trickles down to other aspects of our

life that we didn't really realize.

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Like if I would have told you that

two months of my life would have led

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me to this seven years and ongoing

of shit I have to sort through.

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God, this is exhausting, but like shit,

like I didn't realize how much those two

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months of my life dealing with everything

that I dealt with would trickle down

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into all these other areas of my life

that I had no idea it would touch.

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I thought, oh, it's going

to touch this and this.

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That's for sure.

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Period.

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I'm done.

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I'm good with the rest of my life.

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Lying.

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Lying to myself yet again.

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Trauma affects every aspect of our lives,

even if we don't want to think that it is.

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It does.

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Trauma manifests into this, like,

really annoying, annoying little thing.

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Like, I don't even know

what to classify it.

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I don't want to even Like, it's just this

annoying little thing that keeps coming

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up every time you look at something.

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It's just there.

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It's like, oh!

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That's my trauma from seven years ago.

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Thank you so much.

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Oh, that's my trauma from three years ago.

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Thank you Like what the hell it keeps

popping up It's like that annoying ex

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boyfriend that you just want to get

rid of and it keeps popping the hell

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up like no like go away That's trauma.

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That is trauma for you.

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It pops up and it trickles down

into other areas of our life that

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we truly didn't think that we were

going to have to deal with it.

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But you know what we do, we have

to deal with those emotions.

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And besides setting boundaries and

writing this roadmap to me, the

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other thing is also like, when I'm

dealing with these emotions, the

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first thing I need to deal with is

trying not to go into a panic attack.

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I've been very open and honest that I

suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.

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It's been less as time has progressed, but

like, they're still there because there's

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a lot of fears rooted in them, right?

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In that anxiety, in that panic.

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And so, one of the first things I have

to do is, to protect myself is I need to

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ground myself and I need to be mindful.

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I need to make sure I keep myself in this

mindfulness state so that I don't lose

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my breath when I'm having a panic attack.

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People recommend, oh, eating dark

chocolate, or like having a sour

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candy, because your brain can't process

dark chocolate two things at once.

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If you are having a trigger response,

you need to create some type of

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stimuli that is senses based.

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So your five senses, so that your

brain can focus on the stimuli

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that's happening because it can't

process the stimuli that you're

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experiencing and also that trigger.

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So like, for me, it's also just

another perfect excuse for me to

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eat dark chocolate or a sour candy.

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But you know, it's things

like perfume, essential oils.

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Those are great things to ground yourself

and that's something I had no idea about.

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That's also really helps me in this

like healing process of figuring out

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what works for me and what doesn't

like for some people sour candy

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doesn't work ,but like for me it does.

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Some people, you know

essential oils work for them.

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It doesn't work for me.

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I can't do it.

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So those are like my big three

things when it comes with healing

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and figuring it out, but like,

I'm not going to lie to you guys.

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Healing is such a tricky concept for me

also to grasp as much as I say, Oh, it's

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a rollercoaster and Oh, it's continuous.

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Like I, that's true.

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Like it is, but also like when I'm

deep in the trauma and I'm deep

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in those like trigger responses, I

can't help but feel like I failed.

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I can't help but feel like I failed myself

and have that continuous cycle of anger.

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Blame, guilt, shame, like, whatever

it is, like, I just go through

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those emotions and I feel like,

oh shit, like, I failed myself.

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And that's like not true.

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And I think I'm so hard on myself.

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And I know, I know for a fact that I'm not

the only one that's hard on themselves.

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We all are so hard on ourselves.

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Like we are our own worst critic.

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And it goes back to this idea of

we need to start giving ourselves

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more grace and more kindness,

especially when we're healing.

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And the biggest thing that I can think

of specifically that I'm okay with

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talking about is the letter in the box.

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For two months after the breakup,

before I decided to take charge of

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my life, I was so, so hard on myself.

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I was so mean to myself.

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I was not kind.

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The things I thought about

myself, the things I let myself

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believe, like, It was horrible.

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And I wouldn't wish that on,

on my worst enemy, honestly.

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Like, I wouldn't even wish it on my ex.

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But, I was so mean to me.

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I was so mean to myself, and it's

like, why didn't I give myself grace?

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I was going through my

first ever Heartbreak.

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I was going through something

so traumatic, and I was being

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so mean and hard on myself.

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Why?

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Why would I not give myself

the kindness and grace of being

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like, it's going to be okay.

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You're doing your best.

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It doesn't have to be

picture perfect right now.

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You just got your heart

broken by a letter and a box.

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Like, you don't have to be so

Okay, all the time, Amanda.

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And I think that's a concept

that I still try to understand.

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Because I just don't get

why I was so mean to me.

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Why I wanted to be so perfect at that

time, and maybe it's because I was

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obsessed with this idea of perfection,

but there's so much beauty in the mess.

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There's so much beauty in

Embracing being imperfectly iconic.

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There's so much beauty

in our imperfections.

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And I wouldn't even maybe even

classify that as imperfections, but

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the way that I was dealing with it

and processing it and the way I was

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talking to myself and everything,

like I just needed to be kinder to me.

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I think that's the biggest thing

coming out of something traumatic

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is that we need to keep reminding

ourselves that we have to be kind.

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We have to give ourselves grace.

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We have to be nice to ourselves.

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I think by taking the step forward of

taking care of ourselves and setting

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boundaries, creating a road map, you

know, learning how to ground ourselves and

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be mindful, we also have to remember We

need to be kind because we're not going

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to get it right the first time or the

first couple of times, honestly, we may

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try, you know a certain stimuli to get

ourselves grounded and it doesn't work.

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And we just have to keep trying

until we find what's right for us.

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But in that, in that point of,

Oh my God, this isn't working.

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Oh my God, I'm failing.

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We need to take a step back and, and

breathe and be like, okay, one, you're

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not failing and to be kind to yourself.

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You're not going to figure out

what works for you right away.

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It takes trial and error.

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: 00:19:11

It takes this figuring an out part

and yeah, it's messy, but it's also

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beautiful because you're just getting

to know yourself on a deeper level.

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Isn't it beautiful that at least

from this really painful shit that we

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deal with, we can turn it into power.

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And in this case, it's the

power of choosing ourselves.

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It's the power of getting to

know ourselves on a deeper level.

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: 00:19:34

It's the power of being kind to

ourselves because we deserve it.

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: 00:19:37

Okay, Radiant Icons, let's get

into the Dare to be Iconic hotline.

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How can I begin to address trauma from

my past when it feels overwhelming?

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I think when it comes to addressing

trauma from our past, especially

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when it feels overwhelming or almost

impossible it goes back to that positive

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self talk and that self compassion.

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: 00:19:58

So being kinder to ourselves

and giving ourselves grace.

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: 00:20:01

And I know it's not easy.

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: 00:20:02

I mean, I just had a whole

little rant about it.

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: 00:20:05

Um, but you know, like, I think

when it comes to dealing with trauma

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from our past and taking on all

those emotions of how it's affected

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our everyday lives currently.

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: 00:20:19

We have to, again, start small,

and I think the first small step

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: 00:20:24

that you can do is to start by

treating yourself with kindness,

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: 00:20:29

grace, and just give yourself time.

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: 00:20:33

You don't have to figure

out everything right away.

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: 00:20:35

You don't have to figure out

how to set up boundaries and

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: 00:20:37

what works for you right away.

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: 00:20:38

You don't have to log

everything down in a roadmap.

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: 00:20:41

You don't have to figure out what stimuli

helps with lessening triggers for you.

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: 00:20:46

You don't have to figure

that out all right away.

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: 00:20:49

Start small.

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: 00:20:50

And the first, The most bearable step

that you can do for yourself in this

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: 00:20:55

situation is to start with talking

to yourself nicer, being kinder to

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yourself, and giving yourself grace.

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: 00:21:01

I wish that's something I did for myself,

not only outside of the breakup, right,

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: 00:21:07

but in other traumatic experiences.

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: 00:21:10

I was so, so hard on myself, and I

was so mean to myself, and I still am.

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: 00:21:15

And I think in times when I experience

those emotions, I have to step

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: 00:21:20

back and take a breath and be like,

okay, no, we're not doing that.

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: 00:21:25

We are not talking to ourselves this way.

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: 00:21:27

And if it helps, talk to yourself as

if you would talk to your best friend.

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: 00:21:32

Because you would never, ever,

tell your best friend half the mean

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: 00:21:37

shit that you're telling yourself.

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: 00:21:39

So if that helps in like, reframing your

mindset on it approach it like that.

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: 00:21:44

And that's helped for me personally,

because I would never tell my best

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: 00:21:48

friends the shit that I've told myself.

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: 00:21:50

and I think that's how it makes

it a little bit less overwhelming.

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: 00:21:54

What advice do you have for someone who

feels stuck in their healing journey?

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: 00:21:58

Well, this one's hard because I'm

currently dealing with it right now.

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: 00:22:03

And I guess what I would say

in this specific situation,

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: 00:22:08

it's really hard, right?

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: 00:22:10

Because, like, We just want to like

when you're at that point of like

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: 00:22:12

shit, like I just want to give up

Like I just want to throw in the towel

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: 00:22:15

Like I don't want to deal with it.

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: 00:22:16

It's really hard to find the motivation

to just keep going and better yourself.

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: 00:22:20

Like it's really hard to

find that motivation, right?

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: 00:22:23

Because at this point at least for me,

like, when I'm at the, like, I just

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: 00:22:26

want to throw in the towel, I'm, I'm

so over it, like, I'm so over doing the

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: 00:22:31

hard shit and not seeing results almost.

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: 00:22:35

I think in order to get over that

hurdle, it's a sign that you need to

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: 00:22:39

pause, take a break, and like, reflect.

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: 00:22:42

And the biggest a way for me to process

how I need to move forward, like how do I

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: 00:22:48

need to change my perspective and reflect

on what is happening is journaling.

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: 00:22:55

I'm not even lying to you guys, Break

Up With The Past, Fall In Love With

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: 00:22:57

The Future has helped me with it.

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: 00:22:59

I have my own copy of it, you guys.

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: 00:23:01

I don't just like, sell it out

and be like, oh my god, it works.

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: 00:23:04

But like, being able to go through that

process of really breaking it down,

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: 00:23:10

or even having just like, my separate

journal, it's just like a regular

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: 00:23:14

notebook, and just word dumping everything

and reflecting on what is going on really

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: 00:23:19

does help me when I'm at that point of

feeling stuck and feeling stagnant and

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: 00:23:24

like there's no point in moving forward.

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: 00:23:27

So, my, my advice would be

honestly, take a step back, breathe.

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: 00:23:33

And assess the situation in

a way that's right for you.

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: 00:23:36

Journaling doesn't work for everyone.

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: 00:23:38

I have a friend who does not like

to journal, so she figures out

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: 00:23:42

in her own way what helps her.

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: 00:23:45

And like, it could be a podcast, it

could be Going on a walk and talking

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: 00:23:49

yourself out loud, like it literally

could be any of these things, but I

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: 00:23:52

think when you feel so stagnant and

stuck in this healing process and

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: 00:23:56

you're like, I just want to give up.

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: 00:23:59

I don't want to do the hard work anymore.

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: 00:24:01

Like this isn't fair.

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: 00:24:02

You need to take a step back.

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: 00:24:04

You need to breathe.

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: 00:24:05

You need to pause and you need to switch

your perspective and reframe your mindset.

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: 00:24:10

And I think the best way to do

that is figuring out an outlet

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: 00:24:13

that will let you do that.

399

: 00:24:15

How do you maintain your resilience

in the face of ongoing challenges?

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: 00:24:18

Personally, I think this

comes down to my why.

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: 00:24:22

Why am I doing this?

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: 00:24:24

Why am I so for instance with trauma?

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: 00:24:26

Why am I going to this

therapy appointment?

404

: 00:24:29

Why am I talking about it on here on

this podcast for public consumption?

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: 00:24:33

Why am I doing all these things right?

406

: 00:24:36

It literally reminds me

of why I am doing this.

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: 00:24:40

Why am I going down this path?

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: 00:24:41

Why am I going to therapy to talk

about it because I don't want

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: 00:24:45

to let this trauma define me.

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: 00:24:47

I want to figure out a way on how I can

not only cope with it, but how I can

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: 00:24:53

be a better version of myself from it.

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: 00:24:56

What can I learn from this?

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: 00:24:57

I want to be better.

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: 00:24:59

I don't want it to define me.

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: 00:25:00

That's my why for that instance,

my why for this podcast and

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: 00:25:04

why I'm talking about it.

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: 00:25:05

My why is because I know that I am

not the only one struggling with this.

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: 00:25:09

And when I was going through this

specific situation when I was 19 and

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: 00:25:15

the way it's affected me throughout my

lifetime now up to 25 years old, like

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: 00:25:19

I wish I had someone who was talking

about it so publicly and having a

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: 00:25:25

conversation of how do you deal with this?

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: 00:25:30

How do you move forward?

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: 00:25:31

How do you better your life?

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: 00:25:33

I wish I had someone that I could look

up to someone that I could relate to

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: 00:25:38

and wow I didn't think I was gonna get

emotional But like I just wish I had that

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: 00:25:43

person that I could just like just know

that I'm not alone And that's my why with

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: 00:25:51

everything that I do You It's because I do

it for younger Amanda who needed someone.

428

: 00:25:59

And I do it for all the radiant

icons who DM me and tell me that

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: 00:26:04

this and this episode has helped them

and the way that it's helped them.

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: 00:26:09

And it just reminds me of my

why and I know that even if it's

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: 00:26:12

really hard for me to talk about.

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: 00:26:16

I didn't think I was going to

get this emotional, you guys.

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: 00:26:19

Even if it's really, really hard for me to

talk about, I know I want to do it because

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: 00:26:24

I know that there's a radiant icon who is

listening to this that needs to hear it.

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: 00:26:30

But I also need to make sure that

I protect myself in it, which

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: 00:26:33

goes into those boundaries, right?

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: 00:26:34

So what am I Willing to share and I

may not go into the specific trauma

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: 00:26:40

experiences that I experience, right?

439

: 00:26:42

but I I can talk about the emotions

that I deal with from it and how in

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: 00:26:46

the aftermath and how it's affected

my life because it's been such a big

441

: 00:26:50

part of my life that I've suffered in

silence for so long and figuring it out.

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: 00:26:55

If I feel comfortable talking about it in

whatever capacity, whether it's talking

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: 00:27:00

about the whole story, or talking about

aspects of it, or talking about this,

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: 00:27:04

this, and this of what I've learned

from it without divulging what the

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: 00:27:07

background is, then I've done my job,

and I've, and I remind myself of that

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: 00:27:11

why every time, so I would encourage

you to remind yourself of your why.

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: 00:27:15

All right, Radiant Icons, that

is your tea time sesh for today.

448

: 00:27:19

It was a heavy, heavy episode, but

I am very proud of the work that

449

: 00:27:24

I did for that specific episode.

450

: 00:27:26

And I hope that it has helped

you in some way, shape, and form.

451

: 00:27:30

If you liked today's episode, make

sure to subscribe, to leave a rating,

452

: 00:27:34

a review, a comment, to tell your

friends about us, to tell anyone and

453

: 00:27:38

everyone, because we love more Radiant

Icons in our iconic community of ours.

454

: 00:27:44

Thank you, Radiant Icons for being here.

455

: 00:27:46

I'm just so happy that we are on this

journey together and this episode

456

: 00:27:51

in particular is very near and

dear to my heart, so thank you for

457

: 00:27:55

coming to this week's Tea Time Sesh.

458

: 00:27:57

I, I know you guys always tune in

every week, but this one in particular

459

: 00:28:01

was a little hard when I was looking

back on the catalog of which episode

460

: 00:28:05

I wanted to rerun this week, and I

was like, you know what, it has to be

461

: 00:28:08

this one because It fits so perfectly

in what is going on this week for me.

462

: 00:28:13

And if there is one thing I hope you

guys take away from this episode in

463

: 00:28:16

particular is that your trauma does not

define you and it is up to you when you

464

: 00:28:22

want to share your story and how you want

to share it and I know that this is just

465

: 00:28:28

the beginning for me with this particular

instance and thank you for being here

466

: 00:28:32

for the journey and thank you for

listening and thank you for encouraging

467

: 00:28:36

me while I Deal with this instance in

private and maybe one day who knows i'll

468

: 00:28:41

feel comfortable with sharing it but

right now I just appreciate all your

469

: 00:28:46

support as I Move about it my own way.

470

: 00:28:48

But anywho, I will chat

with you guys next week.

471

: 00:28:52

Remember, Radiant Icons Dare To Be Iconic.

472

: 00:28:56

Bye!