Episode 3

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Published on:

23rd Oct 2024

Love Letters From Within: Boundaries, Trauma & Healing

In this powerful episode of Dare To Be Iconic, Amanda invites you on a raw, transformative journey of self-discovery and healing. She shares intimate reflections from ages 19 to 25, a period marked by deep pain but also incredible growth. With unflinching honesty, Amanda spills the tea on how setting boundaries became her lifeline, how self-compassion became her anchor, and how resilience carried her through her darkest moments.

Through heartfelt stories and hard-earned lessons, Amanda offers you practical tools to navigate your own healing—whether it’s grounding yourself during an anxiety attack, journaling your way to clarity, or using positive self-talk to reclaim your power. She challenges you to look within, reclaim your story, and dare to be kind to yourself as you rise above trauma.

Follow Amanda's DTBI Journey!

Grab your copy of "Break Up With The Past, Fall In Love With The Future" healing journal!

Got a question for Amanda or a topic you'd love to hear discussed on a future episode? Submit your question to the "Dare To Be Iconic Hotline" today!

Iconic Resources:

One Life Project

Find a Trauma & PTSD Hotline

Talkspace: Online Therapy

Time Stamps:

00:00 Welcome to Dare To Be Iconic

00:53 Facing Trauma Head-On

03:10 The Complexity of Emotions

06:16 Setting Boundaries

11:08 Creating a Roadmap to Healing

13:40 Dealing with Anxiety and Panic Attacks

14:17 Grounding Techniques and Personal Preferences

15:31 The Rollercoaster of Healing

16:25 Self-Compassion and Grace

19:47 Hotline Questions

27:25 Next Week on DTBI!

Transcript
Amanda Paolicelli:

What's up radiant icons and welcome back to Dare To

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Be Iconic, the podcast made for

icons daring to be themselves.

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I'm your host, Amanda Paolicelli and

today's topic is on the more serious side.

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And if you are watching the YouTube

version right now, you can tell

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that my smile's a little bit forced.

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I'm a little bit uncomfortable.

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I mean, you probably could hear

it a little bit because I've

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been putting off this episode,

recording it for a while now.

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I knew I had to record it, but I'm

putting it off, and there's a reason why.

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I don't like talking about trauma.

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That's what today's episode is about.

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We're talking about trauma and healing

everyone, because we all have something

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traumatic we have to deal with in life.

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And if you can't guess it,

I have a lot of trauma.

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And this episode is not going to

be like a trauma dumping episode.

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I basically want to talk about

the hard stuff with you guys.

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And trauma is one of them.

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And it's a big part of my life.

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Um, but I know I'm not the

only one dealing with it.

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Just like last week when I spoke

about pivoting and I know change

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is vital and it doesn't make it any

less scary dealing with that concept.

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And I don't have to

like it, which is true.

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I don't like talking about trauma.

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I don't like talking about pivoting, but

the whole point of the podcast portion

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of Dare To Be Iconic is to be open,

real, and honest, and to have those

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really tough conversations at times.

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And how can we move forward in

our Dare To Be Iconic journey,

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in that personal growth journey?

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And trauma is a part of

it, and I love to avoid it.

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Any chance I get.

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I'm gonna be so for real with you guys.

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But I know in order to better myself

and better my life, I need to deal with

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it because it's gonna nip me in the bud

the longer I keep avoiding this subject.

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So, radiant icons, buckle up

because this one's gonna be

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a really hard emotional one.

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I don't know what the hell is

gonna come out of my mouth, but

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we're just gonna go with it.

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So, Are you ready for your

tea time sesh, radiant icons?

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Because it's starting now.

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I've had to stop and re record this

episode probably about a hundred

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times by now, because it makes me so

nervous talking about this specific

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subject, but I know that I'm not the

only one dealing with it, and I know I

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actually need to deal with it, because

I like avoiding this subject, because

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it's easier for me to pretend that

none of this shit has happened to me.

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And it's, it's so easy for me to live in

this delusion of no, everything is fine.

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When in all reality, no, it's

not fine, and it's not okay.

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And I need to deal with it.

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And I know, I know for a fact I am

not the only one that, that deals with

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their trauma in this way of avoidance.

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And I know it's gonna

bite me in the booty.

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But I need to talk about it.

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So, let's get into it.

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Trauma is such a hard thing to understand.

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And I honestly feel like it

will never make sense to me.

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And there's so many layers to it, right?

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Like, there's anger, there's guilt,

there's blame, there's shame,

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there's frustration, there, there's

everything interlaced into it.

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And even more than the emotions that

I, I named because you truly don't

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know the emotions that will pop

up until you're in that aftermath

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situation of that healing process.

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And I think the biggest reason as to

why I like to avoid talking about trauma

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specifically is because I feel like I

failed myself in the healing process.

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And I know I know, I know, I know.

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I have said, healing is not linear.

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Healing is like a rollercoaster.

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I know I said that in

episode three of season one.

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I know, I know, I know.

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And it's true, like healing is a

rollercoaster, but it doesn't negate

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the feelings of me feeling like I

failed because I have a couple of

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bad days when I'm in this healing

process of dealing with my trauma

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for like seven years at this point.

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Like, let's be so for real right now.

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Like, I didn't realize that two

months of my life would leave

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me with a lifetime of trauma.

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And in this case, it's been seven years.

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And I still don't deal with it.

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And when October comes around, because

it always comes around, I'm like,

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oh, I'm gonna be fine this month.

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It's gonna be fine.

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Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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I'm lying to myself.

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I am lying to myself.

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And I don't know if that's

some type of defense mechanism

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of, Oh, it's going to be okay.

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You're going to get through it.

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Cause I know I'll get through it.

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I know I get through the tough shit,

clearly, but doesn't make it easier.

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And I want to have this conversation

with you guys, because I know I'm

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not the only one that does this.

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I know it.

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And I know that When we're in this

aftermath of really figuring out

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what the hell are we going to do

with the shit that has just happened

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to us, it's really, really scary.

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And sometimes you just don't

know how to pick up the pieces.

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But you have to.

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And I think when it comes specifically

to trauma, not only is it It's a very

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personalized experience, and I'm saying

that with so much disgust because I

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hate that we all have to deal with this,

but it's so individualized because the

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way that I will process and heal from

my trauma will be different than how

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someone else processes and deals with

their trauma because we're all different.

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We're all uniquely iconic in our own way,

and that's great, but that also means that

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there's not a guidebook on how to deal

with the hard shit that we're put through.

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The best way I can approach this

episode is sharing what has worked

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for me, and what hasn't worked for me.

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And I'm not going to be trauma

dumping because no one wants that.

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And frankly, I don't know

if I can handle that.

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But also, trauma is your

story to tell, and you don't

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have to share it with anyone.

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And I think I've been very

firm on that boundary.

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Boundaries are a big one with trauma.

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So let's just start with that one, right?

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So, like my therapist had told me,

Trauma is your story to tell, and you

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don't have to share it with anyone.

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There are some traumatic

experiences that I am very firm

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with I am not sharing them at all.

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Like it doesn't matter if

backstory of why I feel or react

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a certain way to certain things.

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Like, It doesn't matter.

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I don't feel comfortable sharing

it because that is my trauma and

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I don't want to share it with you.

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And you have every right to deny

someone of that, like, access to you.

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And I think that's the hardest thing that

I've had to deal with personally, because

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I am such an oversharer as we all know.

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Um, but like, also it's hard for

me to find the private stuff and

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then the public stuff to share.

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And I know the core of Dare To Be Iconic

is I spilled the tea about my life, but

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there are some things that I just don't

want to spill the tea about because they

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are- because I don't want to actually,

because I don't want to see right there.

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That's me setting a boundary

and being very firm in it.

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And that's hard for me.

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Setting boundaries is always like this.

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Oh, like it's like this hard concept

because it's like, you don't.

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At least in my case, like I don't want to

hurt anyone's feelings, but also I need

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to know that I don't owe anyone anything.

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I truly don't.

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If I don't want to talk about a

certain situation or scenario that

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has happened to me, I don't need to

talk about it if I don't want to.

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And I want to tell you that that's okay.

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You don't have to tell anyone

anything that you don't want to,

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especially when it comes to trauma.

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I think the biggest thing with healing and

processing trauma is setting boundaries

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and boundaries are so hard to set because

sometimes you don't even know where to

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start and it's all about like Testing

it out and seeing what works and what

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doesn't work and having that like self

awareness of "oh I need to set a boundary

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here.", Because I need to protect my

personal and mental sanity at this moment.

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But it's like, how do you

start setting those boundaries?

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And there's no, there's no

guidebook to that, you guys.

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As many times as I remember asking my

therapist, so how do I set boundaries?

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How do I do it?

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And her answer always is,

You just figure it out.

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It's this ever continuing process,

and I'm like, well, that's not helpful

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right now as I'm crying my eyes out.

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Like, but she's right.

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She's always right.

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You, you need to just figure

it out every experience that we

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deal with is individualistic.

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And it's like, there are different

boundaries for certain things.

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I'm going to tell you, it's not easy.

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I don't have a Step by step guide

to it because I don't even know

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where to begin half the time.

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It's really just figuring it out.

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And sometimes I fail and we all know

how I feel about failing, but like, you

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know, I fail and I figure out, okay,

that boundary is not what I needed.

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Maybe I tried this instead.

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You know, it's all about just figuring

it out and feeling out the situation.

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And as time goes on, you'll get

better at setting the boundaries

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because you'll know what you want.

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And I think it goes down even

deeper into figuring out who

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you are and what you need.

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I think it's really cool that this thing

of setting boundaries allows us to look

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deeper within ourselves and really,

truly ask ourselves, what do we want?

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Who are we?

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And how can I deal with it in

a way that is right for me?

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And it lets you get down to those nitty

gritty answers that maybe we're avoiding.

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And when I say we, I definitely know I am.

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I definitely, definitely know

I am avoiding a lot of shit.

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And maybe if I asked myself those

questions of what do I want?

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Who do I want to share it with, if anyone?

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And what is gonna make me

feel good and comfortable?

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How is this going to allow me, in my

own unique way , process the shit that

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I've been dealing with for seven years?

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I don't know, but like, maybe I

need to start figuring that out.

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I know I need to.

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But like, I think that's really cool that

boundaries allow you to do that, you know?

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And another thing with boundaries, right?

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Going into the second step of how I've

somewhat dealt and healed somewhat.

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Um, is writing a roadmap to me.

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And again, no shocker here.

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It's suggested by my therapist,

everyone, honestly, she's working

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over time, like this is great.

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Um, but anyway, a roadmap to you is

this individualized roadmap to you and

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your triggers and how you experience

them and what's the root of it.

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And I think when I first heard of

this concept of the roadmap to me.

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I was like, what the hell

are you talking about?

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I don't need to write shit down.

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I don't need a log In my little journal

all the traumatic responses that

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I'm having from everything I don't

need to write down all my triggers.

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Well, I was wrong obviously.

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Um, because Writing down all my triggers,

so all my responses, right, to things

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that were happening that was very

out of character for me allowed me to

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truly, truly look within and it really

puts in perspective how much trauma

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trickles down to other aspects of our

life that we didn't really realize.

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Like if I would have told you that

two months of my life would have led

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me to this seven years and ongoing

of shit I have to sort through.

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God, this is exhausting, but like shit,

like I didn't realize how much those two

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months of my life dealing with everything

that I dealt with would trickle down

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into all these other areas of my life

that I had no idea it would touch.

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I thought, oh, it's going

to touch this and this.

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That's for sure.

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Period.

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I'm done.

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I'm good with the rest of my life.

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Lying.

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Lying to myself yet again.

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Trauma affects every aspect of our lives,

even if we don't want to think that it is.

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It does.

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Trauma manifests into this, like,

really annoying, annoying little thing.

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Like, I don't even know

what to classify it.

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I don't want to even Like, it's just this

annoying little thing that keeps coming

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up every time you look at something.

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It's just there.

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It's like, oh!

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That's my trauma from seven years ago.

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Thank you so much.

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Oh, that's my trauma from three years ago.

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Thank you Like what the hell it keeps

popping up It's like that annoying ex

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boyfriend that you just want to get

rid of and it keeps popping the hell

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up like no like go away That's trauma.

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That is trauma for you.

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It pops up and it trickles down

into other areas of our life that

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we truly didn't think that we were

going to have to deal with it.

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But you know what we do, we have

to deal with those emotions.

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And besides setting boundaries and

writing this roadmap to me, the

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other thing is also like, when I'm

dealing with these emotions, the

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first thing I need to deal with is

trying not to go into a panic attack.

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I've been very open and honest that I

suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.

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It's been less as time has progressed, but

like, they're still there because there's

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a lot of fears rooted in them, right?

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In that anxiety, in that panic.

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And so, one of the first things I have

to do is, to protect myself is I need to

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ground myself and I need to be mindful.

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I need to make sure I keep myself in this

mindfulness state so that I don't lose

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my breath when I'm having a panic attack.

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People recommend, oh, eating dark

chocolate, or like having a sour

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candy, because your brain can't process

dark chocolate two things at once.

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If you are having a trigger response,

you need to create some type of

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stimuli that is senses based.

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So your five senses, so that your

brain can focus on the stimuli

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that's happening because it can't

process the stimuli that you're

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experiencing and also that trigger.

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So like, for me, it's also just

another perfect excuse for me to

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eat dark chocolate or a sour candy.

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But you know, it's things

like perfume, essential oils.

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Those are great things to ground yourself

and that's something I had no idea about.

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That's also really helps me in this

like healing process of figuring out

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what works for me and what doesn't

like for some people sour candy

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doesn't work ,but like for me it does.

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Some people, you know

essential oils work for them.

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It doesn't work for me.

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I can't do it.

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So those are like my big three

things when it comes with healing

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and figuring it out, but like,

I'm not going to lie to you guys.

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Healing is such a tricky concept for me

also to grasp as much as I say, Oh, it's

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a rollercoaster and Oh, it's continuous.

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Like I, that's true.

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Like it is, but also like when I'm

deep in the trauma and I'm deep

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in those like trigger responses, I

can't help but feel like I failed.

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I can't help but feel like I failed myself

and have that continuous cycle of anger.

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Blame, guilt, shame, like, whatever

it is, like, I just go through

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those emotions and I feel like,

oh shit, like, I failed myself.

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And that's like not true.

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And I think I'm so hard on myself.

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And I know, I know for a fact that I'm not

the only one that's hard on themselves.

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We all are so hard on ourselves.

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Like we are our own worst critic.

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And it goes back to this idea of

we need to start giving ourselves

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more grace and more kindness,

especially when we're healing.

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And the biggest thing that I can think

of specifically that I'm okay with

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talking about is the letter in the box.

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For two months after the breakup,

before I decided to take charge of

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my life, I was so, so hard on myself.

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I was so mean to myself.

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I was not kind.

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The things I thought about

myself, the things I let myself

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believe, like, It was horrible.

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And I wouldn't wish that on,

on my worst enemy, honestly.

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Like, I wouldn't even wish it on my ex.

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But, I was so mean to me.

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I was so mean to myself, and it's

like, why didn't I give myself grace?

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I was going through my

first ever Heartbreak.

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I was going through something

so traumatic, and I was being

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so mean and hard on myself.

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Why?

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Why would I not give myself

the kindness and grace of being

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like, it's going to be okay.

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You're doing your best.

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It doesn't have to be

picture perfect right now.

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You just got your heart

broken by a letter and a box.

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Like, you don't have to be so

Okay, all the time, Amanda.

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And I think that's a concept

that I still try to understand.

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Because I just don't get

why I was so mean to me.

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Why I wanted to be so perfect at that

time, and maybe it's because I was

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obsessed with this idea of perfection,

but there's so much beauty in the mess.

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There's so much beauty in

Embracing being imperfectly iconic.

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There's so much beauty

in our imperfections.

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And I wouldn't even maybe even

classify that as imperfections, but

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the way that I was dealing with it

and processing it and the way I was

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talking to myself and everything,

like I just needed to be kinder to me.

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I think that's the biggest thing

coming out of something traumatic

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is that we need to keep reminding

ourselves that we have to be kind.

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We have to give ourselves grace.

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We have to be nice to ourselves.

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I think by taking the step forward of

taking care of ourselves and setting

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boundaries, creating a road map, you

know, learning how to ground ourselves and

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be mindful, we also have to remember We

need to be kind because we're not going

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to get it right the first time or the

first couple of times, honestly, we may

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try, you know a certain stimuli to get

ourselves grounded and it doesn't work.

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And we just have to keep trying

until we find what's right for us.

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But in that, in that point of,

Oh my God, this isn't working.

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Oh my God, I'm failing.

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We need to take a step back and, and

breathe and be like, okay, one, you're

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not failing and to be kind to yourself.

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You're not going to figure out

what works for you right away.

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It takes trial and error.

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It takes this figuring an out part

and yeah, it's messy, but it's also

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beautiful because you're just getting

to know yourself on a deeper level.

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Isn't it beautiful that at least

from this really painful shit that we

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deal with, we can turn it into power.

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And in this case, it's the

power of choosing ourselves.

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It's the power of getting to

know ourselves on a deeper level.

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It's the power of being kind to

ourselves because we deserve it.

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Okay, Radiant Icons, let's get

into the Dare to be Iconic hotline.

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How can I begin to address trauma from

my past when it feels overwhelming?

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I think when it comes to addressing

trauma from our past, especially

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when it feels overwhelming or almost

impossible it goes back to that positive

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self talk and that self compassion.

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So being kinder to ourselves

and giving ourselves grace.

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And I know it's not easy.

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I mean, I just had a whole

little rant about it.

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Um, but you know, like, I think

when it comes to dealing with trauma

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from our past and taking on all

those emotions of how it's affected

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our everyday lives currently.

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We have to, again, start small,

and I think the first small step

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that you can do is to start by

treating yourself with kindness,

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grace, and just give yourself time.

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You don't have to figure

out everything right away.

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You don't have to figure out

how to set up boundaries and

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what works for you right away.

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You don't have to log

everything down in a roadmap.

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You don't have to figure out what stimuli

helps with lessening triggers for you.

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You don't have to figure

that out all right away.

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Start small.

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And the first, The most bearable step

that you can do for yourself in this

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situation is to start with talking

to yourself nicer, being kinder to

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yourself, and giving yourself grace.

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I wish that's something I did for myself,

not only outside of the breakup, right,

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but in other traumatic experiences.

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I was so, so hard on myself, and I

was so mean to myself, and I still am.

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And I think in times when I experience

those emotions, I have to step

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back and take a breath and be like,

okay, no, we're not doing that.

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We are not talking to ourselves this way.

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And if it helps, talk to yourself as

if you would talk to your best friend.

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Because you would never, ever,

tell your best friend half the mean

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shit that you're telling yourself.

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So if that helps in like, reframing your

mindset on it approach it like that.

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And that's helped for me personally,

because I would never tell my best

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friends the shit that I've told myself.

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and I think that's how it makes

it a little bit less overwhelming.

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What advice do you have for someone who

feels stuck in their healing journey?

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Well, this one's hard because I'm

currently dealing with it right now.

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And I guess what I would say

in this specific situation,

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it's really hard, right?

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Because, like, We just want to like

when you're at that point of like

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shit, like I just want to give up

Like I just want to throw in the towel

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Like I don't want to deal with it.

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It's really hard to find the motivation

to just keep going and better yourself.

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Like it's really hard to

find that motivation, right?

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Because at this point at least for me,

like, when I'm at the, like, I just

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:

want to throw in the towel, I'm, I'm

so over it, like, I'm so over doing the

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:

hard shit and not seeing results almost.

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:

I think in order to get over that

hurdle, it's a sign that you need to

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pause, take a break, and like, reflect.

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:

And the biggest a way for me to process

how I need to move forward, like how do I

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need to change my perspective and reflect

on what is happening is journaling.

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I'm not even lying to you guys, Break

Up With The Past, Fall In Love With

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:

The Future has helped me with it.

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:

I have my own copy of it, you guys.

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:

I don't just like, sell it out

and be like, oh my god, it works.

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:

But like, being able to go through that

process of really breaking it down,

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:

or even having just like, my separate

journal, it's just like a regular

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:

notebook, and just word dumping everything

and reflecting on what is going on really

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:

does help me when I'm at that point of

feeling stuck and feeling stagnant and

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:

like there's no point in moving forward.

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:

So, my, my advice would be

honestly, take a step back, breathe.

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And assess the situation in

a way that's right for you.

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Journaling doesn't work for everyone.

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I have a friend who does not like

to journal, so she figures out

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:

in her own way what helps her.

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:

And like, it could be a podcast, it

could be Going on a walk and talking

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:

yourself out loud, like it literally

could be any of these things, but I

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:

think when you feel so stagnant and

stuck in this healing process and

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:

you're like, I just want to give up.

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:

I don't want to do the hard work anymore.

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:

Like this isn't fair.

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You need to take a step back.

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:

You need to breathe.

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You need to pause and you need to switch

your perspective and reframe your mindset.

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And I think the best way to do

that is figuring out an outlet

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:

that will let you do that.

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:

How do you maintain your resilience

in the face of ongoing challenges?

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Personally, I think this

comes down to my why.

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Why am I doing this?

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Why am I so for instance with trauma?

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Why am I going to this

therapy appointment?

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Why am I talking about it on here on

this podcast for public consumption?

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Why am I doing all these things right?

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It literally reminds me

of why I am doing this.

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:

Why am I going down this path?

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Why am I going to therapy to talk

about it because I don't want

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:

to let this trauma define me.

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I want to figure out a way on how I can

not only cope with it, but how I can

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:

be a better version of myself from it.

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:

What can I learn from this?

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:

I want to be better.

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:

I don't want it to define me.

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:

That's my why for that instance,

my why for this podcast and

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:

why I'm talking about it.

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:

My why is because I know that I am

not the only one struggling with this.

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:

And when I was going through this

specific situation when I was 19 and

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:

the way it's affected me throughout my

lifetime now up to 25 years old, like

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:

I wish I had someone who was talking

about it so publicly and having a

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:

conversation of how do you deal with this?

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:

How do you move forward?

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:

How do you better your life?

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:

I wish I had someone that I could look

up to someone that I could relate to

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:

and wow I didn't think I was gonna get

emotional But like I just wish I had that

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:

person that I could just like just know

that I'm not alone And that's my why with

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:

everything that I do You It's because I do

it for younger Amanda who needed someone.

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:

And I do it for all the radiant

icons who DM me and tell me that

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:

this and this episode has helped them

and the way that it's helped them.

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:

And it just reminds me of my

why and I know that even if it's

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:

really hard for me to talk about.

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:

I didn't think I was going to

get this emotional, you guys.

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:

Even if it's really, really hard for me to

talk about, I know I want to do it because

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:

I know that there's a radiant icon who is

listening to this that needs to hear it.

446

:

But I also need to make sure that

I protect myself in it, which

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:

goes into those boundaries, right?

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:

So what am I Willing to share and I

may not go into the specific trauma

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:

experiences that I experience, right?

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:

but I I can talk about the emotions

that I deal with from it and how in

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:

the aftermath and how it's affected

my life because it's been such a big

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:

part of my life that I've suffered in

silence for so long and figuring it out.

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:

If I feel comfortable talking about it in

whatever capacity, whether it's talking

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:

about the whole story, or talking about

aspects of it, or talking about this,

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:

this, and this of what I've learned

from it without divulging what the

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:

background is, then I've done my job,

and I've, and I remind myself of that

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:

why every time, so I would encourage

you to remind yourself of your why.

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:

Okay, Radiant Icons, we did it.

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:

We had the really, really, really

hard conversations that we needed

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:

to have, and it was much needed.

461

:

It really was.

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:

So thank you guys for allowing

me and giving me the space

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:

to kind of work through.

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:

Work through this topic.

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:

But also thank you for trusting

in me and just choosing dare to be

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:

iconic and like choosing to be a

part of the radiant icon community.

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:

I'm just so so thankful that we can

have these really tough conversations

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:

and really dissect them and get

to the root of it because we've

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:

created such a safe space together.

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:

So thank you guys.

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:

And if you guys are dealing with

trauma or, um, if you guys are

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:

dealing with any of the topics that I

mentioned in this episode, I will be

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:

leaving resources in the show notes.

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:

If you like Dare To Be Iconic, make

sure to leave a rating, a review, to

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:

subscribe, to tell your friends about

it, because you know, we love more

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:

radiant icons in this community of ours.

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:

I will talk to you guys next week, and

I promise you next week will not be

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:

as heavy of a subject, I promise you.

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:

But I do really like that season two

is getting into the nitty gritty.

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:

And I love that.

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:

I love this progression, but I promise

you not every week will be a heavy topic.

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:

So I will see you guys next week for

a lighter tea time sesh, but remember,

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:

Radiant Icons, Dare To Be Iconic.

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:

Bye!

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About the Podcast

Dare To Be Iconic
Embrace Your Iconic Self
Are you ready, radiant icons?

Welcome to "Dare To Be Iconic," the podcast made for icons daring to be themselves. Hosted by your favorite icon, Amanda Paolicelli, "Dare To Be Iconic" is not just another self-help podcast—it's your weekly tea time session where Amanda spills all the tea on topics like self-confidence, self-improvement, healing, and personal growth.

Why Choose "Dare To Be Iconic"?

~Real Talk, Real Transformation: Amanda's journey from heartbreak to triumph is the heartbeat of the show. This podcast is a safe space for raw, authentic conversations about healing, self-confidence, self-improvement, and personal growth.

~Practical Tips: Amanda shares practical, actionable tips that you can implement in your daily life. From overcoming setbacks to cultivating a positive mindset, each episode equips you with tools to navigate your dare-to-be-iconic journey.

~Community of Radiant Icons: Join a community of like-minded individuals who are also on their dare-to-be-iconic journey. The podcast is an invitation to be part of a supportive community that celebrates victories, learns from challenges, and grows together.

~Midweek Boost: Need a midweek pick-me-up? Tune in every Wednesday for your weekly tea time session.

Subscribe now, radiants icons, because your tea time session is starting.
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About your host

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Amanda Paolicelli